The Idiot Fan

Nothing ruins a night at the ballpark like some dipshit fan sitting near you yelling a bunch of unfunny insults and making inane comments.

I was at the Phillies game Tuesday night when they lost to the Rockies 7-6 behind another stellar outing by Golden Boy Floyd. Although the Phillies fell behind 7-1 early, the weather was nice, my seats were pretty good, and all-in-all it would have been a pleasant evening at the Park if not for the moron sitting behind me.

This guy was in his mid-forties and had a killer porn stache. He sort of looked like Ron Jeremy, but with straighter hair. He was with five boys, presumably his son and some of his son's friends. Apparantely Ron was trying to impress his son and his son's friends by being funny because he started yelling out the dumbest insults I have ever heard. Here are some examples:

- After Floyd walks a batter and then throws a pitch in the dirt, Ron calls out, "he's going to need a golf club to hit that, or a shovel!! hahahaha!!" Nice one, real original, asshole.

- After Clint Barmes hits a home run making him 2 for 2 with a single and HR, Ron calls out, "this guy is going to hit for the cycle man, at least we'll get to see history tonight!! hahaha!!" First, I'm not even sure why he thought this was funny. Maybe because he was an idiot. Second, Barmes still needed a double and triple for the cycle, not the two easiest things to do, especially when you are Clint Barmes. Lastly, some guy hitting the cycle really wouldn't be history-making. Plenty of guys have done this in the past, but when you are dipshit, Ron Jeremy wannabe, you probably don't realize this.

- After Floyd throws a few more bad pitches, one in the dirt, two high and outside, dickhead yells out, "he's going to need a tennis racket to hit those!! hahaha!!" Huh?

And if Ron's comedically-challenged catcalls weren't bad enough, his baseball "expertise" was even worse. Here is some of the wisdom he imparted on his son and his son's friends:

- when Pat Burrell comes to bat in the first inning, Ron wisely informs his son, "they gave Burrell way too much money, it was the worst money spent by this organization." I guess Ron was too busy trying to resurrect his porn career last summer to notice that Burrell lead the 2005 Phillies in HRs (32) and RBIs (117). He currently leads the 2006 Phillies in HRs (6) and is second in RBIs (16) behind Abreu (20). He is also batting .288, has a cannon for an arm and is our only right-handed power hitter. I don't think that qualifies Burrell as a waste of money, especially when you consider the big bucks the Phillies have spent on guys like Kevin Millwood, Greg Jefferies and Lance Parrish. So Ron, I think you are a little off on that observation.

- when a hump-back liner drops over Utley's head and lands roughly fifteen feet in front of a charging Abreu, Ron a.k.a. Howard Eskin, sagely notes, "typical Abreu. That guy never hustles on defense. He could have had that if he dove." It was a sinking line drive single that barely made it past Utley on the edge of the infield. How the hell was Abreu supposed to catch it? I guess if this was beer-league softball and Abreu was playing shortfield he could have had it. I suppose I really shouldn't blame Ron for this dimwitted sentiment considering Abreu routinely gets killed for his defense on WIP, even though he is the best player on the Phillies by far, his defense included. So, instead I'll just chalk that statement up to Ron's inability to form an independent thought and move on.

- now my favorite, the Phillies have runners on second (slow-footed Fasano) and third (slow-footed Bell) in the bottom of the second inning with two outs. Gavin Floyd is up and the score is 4-1, I believe. The infielders are playing in their normal position. Genius yells out, "he should be drag bunting. This is the perfect situation for a drag bunt. The thirdbaseman totally won't be expecting it. It would definitely work. Why isn't he bunting?? Charlie is such an idiot, this is the perfect situation for a drag bunt." Do I even need to comment on this? I was actually very proud of myself for not turning around and punching him in the face at this point.

The thing that bugs me the most about guys like Ron is not that they are morons, he can't help his cluelessness. What bugs me is that he is passing on his idiocy to his son and his son's friends. In essence, he is creating at least five future Ron's. While this may be good news for the porn business, it is horrible news for sane sports fans. Not only were these kids looking up to a poor-man's Ron Jeremy, by the third inning, they were making completely unfunny jokes and laughing at them too. My only hope is that the other kids not related to Ron have parents with brains that will inform their kids that Ron is an idiot and a horrible dresser with ridiculous facial hair and should not be looked up to or emulated. Unfortuantely, Ron's son is a lost cause, maybe he will grow up to not like sports or he'll join the porn business and move to Southern California where he can mold some future Angels or Dodgers fan into an idiot instead. Heaven knows we already have enough Ron's in Philly, just listen to WIP for awhile, you'll hear what I mean.